Countdown to Christmas Eve

Well, we made it! The last Christmas shopping day of the year is here, and this is your last chance to give the gift of music. We hope everyone has a great holiday. 

Z is for: Zapp & Roger, All The Greatest Hits (Warner Brothers UK, 1993)

Since J.J. has given Zapp some recent love I figured I would too. Nothing says Christmas like the heart-warming story of Zapp and the five Troutman brothers. 

On April 25, 1999, Larry Troutman shot his younger brother and band leader Roger (pictured) 4 times in an alley behind their Dayton, Ohio studio, killing him because of a money dispute. Then he shot and killed himself. Merry Christmas!

With Kanye using the auto-tuner/Vocoder/talk-box thingie on every track now, everyone thinks he's a dance pioneer or something. But not so fast. Lowrider-driving Cholos and I know that Zapp did it first and better. 

Dig on Computer Love, which is on this greatest hits along with More Bounce To The Ounce and Dance Floor:

Personally, If I'm gonna listen to someone sing through and auto-tuner I prefer Velveteen Pink, who absolutely nailed it in a funky ass set a couple of weeks ago at 283 Bar.

Merry Christmas errbody! If you need some more gift ideas, recap the entire Countdown To Christmas Eve by clicking on the label down below titled "Countdown To Christmas Eve." Thanks for reading.

Countdown to Christmas Eve

Y is for: Yanni, Keys To Imagination (Private Music, 1986)

Doesn't your ex-best friend's Dad love Yanni? I thought so. Get them his second release in hopes that Yanni possesses the keys to unlock his imagination with atmospheric 80's soundscapes like Forgotten Yesterdays, Forbidden Dreams, Keys To Imagination and Port Of Mystery.

Hopefully the Dali-esque surrealist album cover will aid the music in cracking the egg that is the moon of the listener's mind and allow the water of the imagination to spring forth, flowing freely into a mountain lake.

Once again, you've just gotta see and hear. Here's Nostalgia (also off of this album) Live at the Acropolis. If this doesn't make you nostalgic, then you need to check your pulse:

Beautiful tune, beautiful hair, beautiful mustache. I love the guy. I really do. I celebrate the man's entire catalogue. I still cut out newspaper headlines about him and put them on my fridge.

Countdown to Christmas Eve

X is for: Xena: Warrior Princes, The Bitter Suite: A Musical Odyssey Original Television Soundtrack (Varese Sarabande, 1998)

Us true fans of Xena: Warrior Princess will recognize this as episode 12 in season 3 of the series, and as a rare musical episode of the finely crafted television program. This episode has all the elements that make you love Xena. Nothing says Christmas like action, drama, evil half-demons, revenge, a very strong lesbian subtext, gratuitous nudity, the land of Illusia, and of course singing.

True die-hard fans like me were blown away to hear the characters of the show sing, and sing well. The music was done by Emmy Award winning composer Joseph LoDuca. These song titles are classic: The Sweat Hut/Slapped Out Of It, Gab Is Stabbed, Hearts Are Hurting (Parts 1 and 2), and of course The Love Of Your Love.   

I can talk all day, but sometimes you just gotta see. Here's The Love Of Your Love. Singing starts at 1:40, best of luck:

This Christmas, delight the Xena: Warrior Princess fan in your life by getting them this hot collector's item. 

Damn, X was hard.

Countdown to Christmas Eve

W is for: Weird Al Yankovic, Straight Outta Lynwood (Volcano, 2006)

I figured if Straight Outta Compton was going to make the countdown, Straight Outta Lynwood would get on as well. Whether you love or hate Al's parody versions of popular songs, you can't deny his place in pop culture history. Personally, I think he does the world of music a favor by covering satirical versions of songs that usually aren't very good but still somehow find their way into millions of sets of eager ears.

His fame has out lived alot of acts that he has parodied. Now-a-days you've pretty much hit it big time if Weird Al does a take on one of your songs, or at least that's what Kurt Cobain and Dave Grohl said after seeing his video for Smells Like Nirvana.

And anyone who may feel bad for the artists he makes fun of, be reminded that he usually asks their permission to parody them and pays them royalties even though sometimes he does not legally have to do so.

Some classic tracks on this album: White & Nerdy (based on Chamillionaire's Ridin; became Weird Al's highest chart-topper ever, even higher than Eat It and all the other food tunes), Pancreas (a style parody of Brian Wilson's Smile), Canadian Idiot (based on Green Day's American Idiot), another horrible polka medley of a bunch of popular tunes, and Close But No Cigar (based on Cake's Short Skirt/Long Jacket; animated video illustrated by Ren & Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi). Unfortunately he had to leave off You're Pitiful (based on James Blunt's You're Beautiful) due to the fact that Blunt's label got worried that it could accidentally show the world how, well, pitiful he is. Rightfully so. Don't worry, you can still get it for free.

You could really get this album for any music lover who has a sense of humor and doesn't take themselves too seriously. It should provide at least 30 minutes of laughter on the first go round.

Countdown to Christmas Eve

V is for: Various Artists, Yule Be Miserable (Verve, 2006)

Holidays are a double-edged sword. For some people, Christmas is a great opportunity to get together with friends/family and roast chestnuts over the open fire blah blah blah... For others, it's the most depressing time of the year because they have no one to give presents to nor anyone to give presents to them blah blah blah... Some people are just scrooges. 

If the album cover picture of a wasted, passed out Santa (with ciggy still lit) doesn't give it away, this disc is intended for the latter two varieties of people--those who perhaps don't enjoy this time of year as much as say, Buddy the Elf.   

Let's put it this way: The notoriously depressed, cynical and neurotic basket case Harvey Pekar wrote the liner notes to this album. He's awesome, by the way. This is really a pretty good album though, with some old school swing and blues tracks from Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, B.B. King, Billie Holiday, and Count Basie. I like Christmas just fine, but the same old rehashed versions of the same old rehashed versions of Christmas standards really start to wear on me around this part of December. This is a welcome, refreshing respite. For the most part, it sounds like a big ol' glass o' whiskey in a smoke filled bar. Not exactly standard Christmas fare.

Surely you've got to know somebody who would benefit from receiving this album for Christmas. Let me guess how the "gift exchange" would sound:

YOU: "Hey, I got you a little something just to let you know I was thinking of you.  Merry Christmas!"

THEM: "Piss off."

YOU: "Alrighty then."

But, that's what the holidays are all about. 

Thanks to my friend Art Ordoqui for reading the blog and suggesting this album. Art is the program director for the HandsOn Northeast Georgia and Community Connection 211 nonprofit organizations, so I think it's fair to assume that he knows a thing or two about helping out the downtrodden and needy Athenians during the holidays (and year-round for that matter). Click the links to volunteer for something, including a day of service in honor of R.E.M. and all of the great things they have done for Athens. Also make sure you check out the HandsOn blog to see what's new with them.     

Countdown to Christmas Eve

Well, draggin' me arse a little bit today. Sorry kiddies, life got in the way. I hope everybody made it through work okay with out having the following reading material:

U is for: UB40, Labour of Love (A&M, 1983)

There are some really great names on the list of this band's personnel: Earl Falconer on bass, Mickey Virtue on keys, Astro (born Terence Wilson) doing the toasting, and Maxi Priest singing lead. Unfortunately, all of these cool individuals names could not help them come up with a better band name (UB40 stands for Unemployment Benefit, Form 40). I don't put much stock in good or bad band names, but that sucks.

Once again, like another "reggae" group on the countdown, they come from the genre's heartland (this time it's Birmingham, UK though). They figured out a simple formula: A song you like + cheap, cheap "reggae" = $$$$$$. They made some serious scrilla by taking songs from other people and covering them in a watered down "reggae" form that appealed to people for a few ticks. World's most successful cover band? You decide. 

I think it's hilarious that a band that had three cover songs reach the #1 spot on the charts (and countless others that sucked) was somehow able to sue Paris Hilton for stealing their stuff. Do you think that her song Stars Are Blind steals from one of the few songs that UB40 actually wrote, Kingston Town? Once again, you decide:

They sound pretty similar, but more importantly, who cares? I guess anyone who further bankrupts Paris Hilton is cool with me. 

But anyhow, I'm rambling. I say get this album for anyone you may know who has a really cool name like your cousin Teddy Stryker, that guy at work named Bobby "The Jackal" Salome, and that girl you knew in high school named Ella Awesomeface. 

Countdown to Christmas Eve

T is for:  Travis Tritt, T-R-O-U-B-L-E (Warner Bros., 1992)

                                                                                                                                       

Give the lil' country lover on your list this classic from local boy Travis Tritt. Born in Marietta, he went to high school at Sprayberrry (where he perfected the art of mullet-growing), and now resides in Dallas, Georgia (where there is a highway named after him). Hey, I endorse supporting "local" arts...

People write off modern country as mindless garbage that utilizes a cutesy phrase to craft a hooky chorus and sell songs. But I think Tritt was a modern day Nostradamus with this one. A prophetic harbinger of the bad economic times to come, if you will. Warning us regular folk with the songs Lord Have Mercy On The Working Man, Blue Collar Man, Looking Out For Number One, and of course T-R-O-U-B-L-E. 

If you are one of the "Joe The Plumbers" of the world, ol' double T wants you to know he's got your back. To me, the look on his face on this album cover screams "Hey Randy, you really ought to think about getting me another beer and rolling your 401K on over into an IRA. If you don't it'll be a dad-gummed tax nightmare."   

So if you know any Tritt fans who are feeling the squeeze of the current economic crunch, get 'em T-R-O-U-B-L-E for Christmas. Don't say he didn't warn ya'.

Countdown to Christmas Eve

S is for: Shaquille O'Neal, Shaq Diesel (Jive, 1993)

Awwww yeah, the debut from Shaq would make a perfect gift for the NBA lover in your life. This was the beginning of Shaq showcasing his talents, and they are many. His portfolio: b-ball, acting (see Blue Chips and especially Steel and Kazaam), television personality, rap superstar, and just all around big-assed man.

This album proved that not only could he shoot it, but he could also pass it and, most importantly, slam it. 

Other highlights: (I Know I Got) Skillz, I'm Outstanding, and my personal jam What's Up Doc? (Can We Rock) featuring those darned Fu-Schnickens.

I hate the NBA. 

Countdown to Christmas Eve

R is for: Reggaeton

What is reggaeton? Allow me, you whitebread sucka:

1) Dancehall reggae/Latin hip hop from Panama/Puerto Rico.

2) You've heard it before, whether you know it or not.

3) Specifically, the same club beat used over and over to make a very similar song (a 4/4 kick and, counting 8th notes, snare on the "and" of 3 and the downbeat of 4. And it's always 95 bpm. Or "boom-ch-boom-chick").

A fourth point: Every album cover has a naked Puerto Rican woman on the front. No kidding. Little Puerto Rican kids with awesome mullets are fans too.

Man, It's fascinating that this music has risen to the popularity that it has given the fact that it is subject to such strict limitations. All music has rhythmic characteristics that define it as some genre (country shuffles, the reggae one-drop, club rap beats, odd-time prog...) but the exact same beats per minute? The exact same rhythmic pattern with different words? Fascinating. I'm pretty white and nerdy. As Jim Gaffigan would say, beyond the pale.

In the same sense, I could never explain to a reggaetonian the joys of George Jones' She Thinks I Still Care or The Dillinger Escape Plan's Sunshine The Werewolf for that matter, but isn't that what makes the world go round? Different strokes...

(See Lewis Grizzard's 1983 book, Elvis Is Dead And I Don't Feel So Good Myself).

Knowing you, there's a clubgoer in your life who proudly blasts reggaeton out of the window of their car while next to me at the stoplight. So get 'em some, you honky.

More examples, cracker. WARNING! Scantily clad ladies ahead:

We've come a long way since Gerardo's Rico Suave.

Countdown to Christmas Eve

Q is for: Queensrÿche, Empire (EMI, 1990)

The group that brought you the power ballad Silent Lucidity brings us a salute to the metal umlaut! Some über cool umlaut usage:

Mötley Crüe

Motörhead

Hüsker Dü

Blue Öyster Cult

Röyksopp

Björk

Häagen-Dazs (delicious, but has no meaning in any European language)

Fahrvergnügen ("driving pleasure" in German)

Spinal Tap (over the n; sorry no keyboard shortcut for consonants)

and...

Queensrÿche

Picture a couple of these examples without their metal umlauts. They wouldn't be near as tough and mean, would they? So I say purchase this album for anyone who needs to toughen up and quit being so much of a little sissy nancy boy. Nothing will ever be tougher than Silent Lucidity.

Äppärëntly thë Ünïtëd Stätës Cöngrëss knöws whäts üp.

Countdown to Christmas Eve

P is for: Patrick Swayze, She's Like The Wind (from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack) (RCA, 1987)

Okay, so I guess technically there was a single version of this song that was released around the world and actually did quite well. It will be easier to find the film soundtrack instead of the P. Sway single, though. Get this for any woman that you know who is nostalgic for the way a man's ass looks in a tight pair of Jordache jeans. This film inspired legions of women in heat to get up and dirty dance, crazy with giddy crushlove for Swayze. Swaynia (that's Swayze-mania) swept the land and a few poor souls even bought the soundtrack to hear him sing She's Like the Wind.

Fortunately for you, you think it sucks. But Christmas is about what others want. Not you. And the masses are screaming for Swayze. So get them what they want.

As for you, I will give you a cash reward for making it past the 2:00 mark of the following video:

If you made it, congrats to you! Contact me to claim your reward.

In all seriousness, the staff here at Rebel Forces wish Patrick Swayze all the best in his battle with pancreatic cancer. Here's to a long and happy life and a speedy recovery...

Countdown to Christmas Eve

Since both of these happen to be two of my favorite albums of all time, you have a choice for O.

O is for: Orleans, Waking and Dreaming (Asylum, 1976)

This album is "Still the One that makes me smile." (Honk!) Shhhh, nobody speak. Take a sec and stare at that album cover in silence.

and O is also for: Oak Ridge Boys, Bobbie Sue (MCA, 1982)

From sweaty, shirtless Orleans to a celebration of sweaters with the Oak Ridge Boys. On this 1982 beauty, they thought it a good idea to cover The Band's Up On Cripple Creek. And in 1986, Levon Helm tried to stab Duane Allen outside of The Honey Hole in Franklin, Tennessee for murdering his song. (You may wanna fact check that, I'm just telling you what I heard).

Faithful readers will remember our July conversations about these albums, and therefore probably never had any doubt about what the letter "O" would be. I know this is cheap and selfish, but would somebody please get copies of these for me for Christmas so I can frame them and put them on my wall?

Countdown to Christmas Eve

N is for: N.W.A., Straight Outta Compton (Ruthless/Priority, 1988)

N.W.A. is a fine group of upstanding young gentlemen. They led a moral revolution with this wholesome 1988 release, encouraging kids to keep off the streets and stay in school. The pioneering tracks of this revolution are of course the lead single Hey Fellows, Law Enforcement is Just Fine and the hit song We're Hailing From A Southeastern Los Angeles Inner Suburb (And Isn't It Just Lovely?). I also enjoy the smash release Boyscout, Boyscout.

Know any youngsters that have been horsing off, making a noisy ruckus, or engaged in some general boisterous activities? Get them this disc for Christmas. It's sure to straighten' out any lil' whippersnapper.

Countdown to Christmas Eve

Well, here we are halfway through the countdown. Christmas is sneaky. Only 14 shopping days left!

M is for: Miley Cyrus, Breakout (Hollywood, 2008)

Surprisingly, this album's title is not a reference to what happened to her skin during recording. Huh, I did not know that. Another child star shedding their Disney name and blossoming into a "mature recording artist." I'd love to be there when that exact moment in time occurs. I imagine Billy Ray walks into her bedroom one morning and says, "Wake up sweety, it's time to go double platinum!"

You might think this would be a perfect gift for any children on your list, but getting this for yourself is not a bad idea either. It will be a collector's item down the road when she is either A) bagging groceries or B) doing porn.

Countdown to Christmas Eve

L is for: Lil' Bow Wow, Beware of Dog (So So Def, 2000)

Up next is the debut from Lil' Bow Wow released when he was just a young pup, 13 years old. That's back before he outgrew the "Lil" and became simply "Bow Wow" (although he was 91 in dog years when he and Dupri cut this album). Get this one for any dog lover on your Christmas list because that picture is just precious.

Countdown to Christmas Eve

K is for: Kansas, Point of Know Return (Kirshner, 1977)














Kansas. Yup. Don't really have too much to say here. Boring state, boring band. I just wanted an excuse to show the following video:



Cliche? Played out? Tired of hearing people shout "You're my boy Blue!" at the top of their lungs? Yes, yes, and yes. But still somehow amusing. I gotta admit, I'm grabbing at straws for the letter K. Maybe just get this for someone with the receipt taped to the front of the gift. Unless they love ballads. Then you're set.

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J is for:  Journey, E5C4P3 (Columbia, 1981)

Once upon a time, a band I was in played a frat party in the basement of the off-campus Sigma Chi house in Clemson, South Carolina. Wait, it gets better.  

The room was absolutely packed with hundreds of young ladies and gentlemen who were absolutely smashed and positively hating the music we were playing. It makes you wonder why fraternities notoriously overpay bands to play their parties without even knowing what the bands sound like. But they do. And on behalf of musicians everywhere I would like to say:  cha-ching!

Mercifully, this gig eventually came to an end. Our last note faded out. Nobody applauded. Somewhere a girl puked. As I reached down to pick up my gear out of three inches of standing beer, one of the frat boys (I think it was Chad, or maybe Troy or Bart) turned on some house music over the PA. It was Journey's Don't Stop Believing. You know that noise white kids make when they hear their favorite song? Yeah, well imagine that multiplied by about 350. 

The drunken mob proceeded to shout every word to Don't Stop Believing (while glaring at the stage) at a decibel level that was meant to tell our band:  "Hey fellas, this is how it's done. This here, is Steve Perry. Take notes."

So, if by chance you have a Clemson University frat boy or sorority girl on your list, get them a copy of Journey's E5C4P3. It is their official anthem. 

And when they say, "Hey, like, you know this album's called Escape right? I have, like, three copies of this album." You simply reply, "Well, Trey, this is your first copy of E5C4P3. Enjoy."   

Countdown To Christmas Eve

I is for:  INXS, Switch (Epic, 2005)

Now I know what you're thinking, you delirious INXS fan:  "What, no Kick? No X? Those are INXS classics!" Agreed. Those are the albums that vaulted the Aussie group to stardom, but Switch makes the countdown due to the ridiculous reality television show launched by the rest of the band in a desperate ploy to milk the hell out of INXS' fame. 

Most people know the story of Michael Hutchence's accidental suicide by alleged auto-erotic asphyxiation in 1997, and that's where most of the world quit caring. But the remaining members simply could not leave it at that, and instead of honoring their fallen pal they had a silly televised contest to see who could become the next lead singer. 

Switch is the result of that lame ploy, and guess what?  It sucks.  Most people felt like it was contrived and fake, and that contest winner J.D. Fortune was simply some dude who used to live in his car and now fronted a Hutchence tribute band.  They were 100% correct.

So why buy this crap for someone for Christmas?  Because we all know someone who loves reality television.  I loathed the "reality" television craze that swept through 90's television programming and is actually still upon us.  I try not to watch as much television these days as a direct result of this fad.  I suggest taking this album and giving it to the reality television lover in your life.  Then lock them in a room with Switch playing full blast on repeat with no way to turn it off.  Occasionally come to the door and remind them that the album is a product of a reality television series. Maybe slip a few Doritos under the door if they've been good lately. Merry Christmas.   

Countdown To Christmas Eve

H is for:  Harry Belafonte, Calypso (RCA Victor, 1956) 

Bring a little island music home for Christmas with the "King Of Calypso". A classic album and a classic cover.  If you look closely it appears Harry Belafonte has 7 fingers on his left hand <--.  

Unfortunately, Harry became quite crazy. He was once known as a great humanitarian back in the day, but now-a-days he's sooo opinionated about everything that he doesn't really make any sense. As most people know, he's a huge opponent of Bush's foreign policy, prompting the rest of us to say "come on in Harry, the water's fine." But then he called Bush a terrorist, more of a terrorist than the 9-11 attackers. Then he called Colin Powell and Condi Rice slaves who have been let inside the master's house. Yikes. Um, I do not agree.

So what's the most logical thing to do?  Call up your boy Danny Glover and go kick it with one of the absolute worst humans in the world, Venezuelan Presidente Hugo Chavez.  Here's a guy who has personally caused food shortages, riots, protests ending in many deaths, and hording of scarce necessary items among Venezuelans.  He uses his country's oil to control anything in the world that doesn't suit his needs while claiming to be a man of the people.  Does anybody really want to defend Venezuela's government as being less corrupt than ours? Despite the fact that Harry and Danny told Hugo how great he is, I'm with the Venezuelans on this one:  he sucks.      

Like I said, Harry has done some great humanitarian things in his day, but I think this is a prime example of why musicians, actors, etc., need to stick to their crafts and keep their mouths shut.  Yeah, our government does some deplorable things sometimes, but I think speaking through your music instead of through headline-grabbing interviews is always a good idea.  If you see some injustice occurring in the world then hey, you're an empowered individual so go physically do something about it.  (Say what you want about Bono, but that guy gets more done before noon than most of us do in our whole lives).  Otherwise, you'll wind up denouncing one "terrorist" in support of another with a whole bunch of talk and nothing else.  Somehow Belafonte lost that humanitarian touch and starting spewing rhetoric. Talking smack about W. and then rubbing shoulders with Hugo Chavez is one of the most insane hypocritical contradictions I have ever come across.  Just my two cents. 

As far as I know, Belafonte still lives in New York City, proving that even though the big bad U.S. is led by a terrorist, he still calls it home.  So get this album for any out-of-their-mind left-wing extremist hypocritical own country bashing jackasses that you know.  Sounds like a perfect Christmas gift for them.    

Countdown To Christmas Eve

G is for:  Guns and Roses, Chinese Democracy (Geffen, 2008)

Well, here it is.  Those of you who know me maybe guessed this was coming.  When discussing Chinese Democracy, I'm personally not too concerned with the 17 years and $13 million it took Axl to finish the album, and I'm definitely not interested in anything concerning the album's audible qualities.  If I may, G&R had their time and place in Mike's Sound World, and that time is not 2008 and the place is not his iPod.  But this album makes the countdown because of my sheer interest in the situation surrounding blogger Kevin "Skwerl" Coghill, who was arrested by the FBI on August 27th and charged with a felony for illegally leaking 9 tracks off of the album on his blog Antiquiet a few months before it's November 23rd release.  He got three years in jail and fined $250,000?!?  Coming from someone who would love nothing more from life than to record music and sell it for a living, that seems a little heavy handed doesn't it?  (NOTE:  The author is a rabid supporter of letting most non-violent criminals out of jail and decriminalizing most of the bassackwards draconian laws in the United States, so you can see why this situation bothers him).  

So here's how this works:  someone leaks an album on a blog-->the band/label/tons of other people potentially lose $-->the leaker is jailed-->your taxes pay for his life in jail for 3 years. Now I don't want anybody to lose any money, but if it's going to happen I would rather it not be the everyman taxpayer suffering.  That's just me.  Make the guy do boatloads of community service or something.  Damn!  Whatever your opinions on the subject are, the fact remains there are countless criminal cases where an offender commits an atrocious, horrifying act that physically ends or destroys a person's life and yet they are not punished as harshly as poor Skwerl.  Truth.  

Anyway, the album came out to little fanfare, did poorly and nobody seems to like it that much. It's failure had nothing to do with it's premature leakage (gross).  Instead of promoting his two-decades-in-the-making album, Axl disappeared for a few months and pissed off everybody at Geffen pretty bad.  And even though G&R and everybody else (even Slash) want Skwerl to "rot in jail" and be financially ruined for the rest of his life, I think it's a bit over the top.  As far as I can tell, the only thing he managed to steal from anybody was what little bit of thunder this album had, proving that G&R sucks real bad these days.  

I really hope my boy John from Gavel & Tone chimes in on this one.  That's a law and music blog he's got going on there, and a pretty good one too.  Check it.  

A perfect Christmas gift for any FBI agents on your list because apparently they love it to death. Just make sure you go to Best Buy and fork over $15 or you're going to federal prison.